Here I am again, being reckless with the internet…
People I make a point to never trust with my life:
The “bro” guy:
Not a chance in Madonna’s hell will I trust a grown man who says “bro” one too many times in a single sentence. He has f@#% boy written all over him and he’s most likely to ditch you in a strange club you’ve never been to (one he invited you to, mind you) because he’s hooking up with a girl he’ll kick out come sunrise, and brag about his performance when he sees you (without apologising for leaving you stranded at 1 am, in a seedy part of town, where the prostitutes have lazy eyes, a belly and no front teeth – because that’s valuable apparently).
The guy whose eyebrows don’t match his hair:
Do not trust someone who’s reckless enough to do this to themselves because they clearly have an issue with commitment, and more importantly they have a problem with following through on things he sets out to accomplish. Who on earth made it a thing to dye your hair and leave your eyebrows? He clearly has nothing to lose, he wants to be a hipster and he’ll try real hard but he won’t quite get it. He’ll wear clothes that aren’t age appropriate and he’ll think it’s okay. It’s not okay.
The guy who wears oversized Ts and drinks himself under the table at every party:
He’s the life of the party, he’s funny and generally awesome…for the first thirty minutes. After that, he’s just a pain in the ass and he never stops. He’s always on! He’ll scream your nickname (embarrassing nickname even) in broad daylight, in front of your boss, for all the world to hear and he’ll have a stain you won’t quite understand its origin or age, but he’ll lick it before laughing about how it’s probably from some wild party he went to where ‘the girls’ were all over him and the booze was flowing hard. He has no sense of volume, none whatsoever.
The guy who bounces his man-boobs as a party trick:
It stops being cool and starts being weird when that’s the only thing he can offer a gathering. Okay so maybe this is my insecurity speaking and there might not be anything wrong with a guy who can do that, but I mean really…do you really have to, like all the time? Come on.
The guy who says “F@$” as a joke:
Intolerance isn’t funny. There is a community out there that’s had that word used against them as a weapon, to demean, belittle, degrade and dehumanise them. This “no homo” business, and the “that’s gay” quips are tired masks used by boys who’ve little to contribute so they bro-out over homophobic jokes to make themselves relevant. This overcompensation of masculinity hurts those of us who are smart enough and evolved enough to understand that sexual orientation and identity mean nothing; it’s the quality of your character that matters most. Not only would I not trust this man with my life, I wouldn’t even want to be associated with such insolence.
The guy who swears on his momma’s grave:
Whether said momma is dead or alive, something is seriously wrong when a guy has the gall to swear on the grave of his mother to lend validity and legitimacy to his argument. I never really got it; could be that I’m a cynical – passive aggressive -emotionally stunted dude who isn’t bothered if you believe me or not, who knows. But this guy is probably lying through his teeth. You just have to listen hard enough to know just when he’s lying. Here’s a clue: if he says “On my momma’s grave”, he’s lying. If he says “on my momma’s life”, he’s lying. If he says “on my momma, my baby, my sister, and aunt”, run the other direction because he just killed his family because he is lying!
The guy who blames the victim:
The is a special place in a very dark hell for a guy who looks at a woman and his first instinct is to find fault in her actions, where she’s been victimised in some way. I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, how religious of a man you are, what you do for a living and how well you treat the women in your life; if you have the fifth nerve in a bundle of four to place blame on someone who so clearly has been at the receiving end of something tragic, then I couldn’t possibly respect you as a man or place any reliance in your ability to be save my life (I mean that’s an extreme one in a million, very left-field case, but yeah).
The guy who shows his toes in public:
I don’t know what his motives are, but I sure as hell want nothing to do with someone who has the nerve to flash toe and be grown, in public. Of all the frightening things in the world, this comes pretty close to being the most concerning. Cover your toes, sir. Nobody wants to see those.
The guy who thinks Beyonce is overrated:
I don’t play with demons, get him away from me. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Okay so I’m a fan of dark, interesting and generally cool series that feature supernatural and paranormal themes, amongst many others.
So when I caught wind of something new coming to our screens, I was practically ‘foaming at the mouth’ excited. I didn’t know what it was all about to be honest, but the name and the little I did hear made it a thing to get into.
So there I was, ready to dive headfirst into a world I was desperate to obsess over and when it finally aired, I was both thrilled and confused as hell.
I mean, I love it; American Gods definitely gives me the creepy, cult-y vibe that I was hoping to get, but it also has a very French-y vibe to it in that the silences are just as important as the parts that have all of the screaming, talking, making out and sex. But, what I also mean is that as with some of those French-y films, I tend to get lost along the way a little bit, before something happens and I’m suddenly back on track; or at least I convince myself that it’ll eventually make sense so I stick with it and smile through the parts that go over my head and enjoy the cool looking bits.
Anyway, five episodes in and I’m still a fan, but also still very confused, but most importantly, I’m sitting there thinking “what in the meth smoking mess am I watching right here right now?”, because let’s be honest, there are moments that completely mind-f@#& you.
1) Did you guys clock that seductress that ate that man with her hoo-hoo? I mean what in the BDSM hell was that? I had to re-watch that a few times to make sure I wasn’t imagining it, because I’ve never witnessed anything remotely close to that. She’s doing sex the feminism way; it’s definitely different. And she did it to a number of men too. I don’t know what her deal is, and part of me really wants to google her and find out, but I want to roll with it and see how things turn out because that was some other level messed-up-ness right there.
2) Then we have the fact that Shadow Moon’s (we have to discuss that name, by the way) wife was having an affair with his friend and she died giving him a… she was bagpiping him in the car…you know; gumming the green bean, honkin’ bobo, giving brain, huffing bone, giving a French abortion, fluting, charming the snake, that kind of thing. I felt for the dude, especially since he found out at her funeral, the day after he was released from jail.
3) The lynching: I mean seriously. I was all kinds of shook when the weird faceless men came for Shadow Moon and then had the nerve to die, in the weirdest ways too. Then we find out it was his dead wife- who came back to life – thanks to a leprechaun’s lucky coin – who saved Shadow’s life from the faceless men and i guess she loses an arm because of it, but she sews it back again?…yeah, things go tits up in the believability scale, but I LOVE IT!!!
4) The sex scene with the Jinn taxi driving dude and the salesman. That was by far the sexiest thing in the entire series so far, and I say that quite comfortably with my sexuality intact. I mean it was grungy, it was real-ish, we saw peen and a climax that looked like fire but it was okay, and then the salesman became the cab driver himself…like, if you’re confused, trust me so am I, but ride it with me (that was an unfortunately placed pun, but I’m not mad about it).
5) Media (who is one of the new gods) looks like Marilyn Monroe and bitchslaps the tech boy who has the faceless goons who lynched Shadow Moon, because she wanted tech boy to apologise to shadow for doing that, but her version of a bitchslap is blowing a kiss that knocks two of your teeth out…try eating bread after that.
I could go on and on about all the things that confused the hell out of me but also drew me in closer, but I’d rather you watch it for yourself and enjoy it with me.
I’m a fan, I want more, I need more because if I stop now, I’m never going to understand a damn thing about this world.
I could be delving into some pretty weird territory here, but the modern man is just as concerned with the health of his skin as his counterpart.
It’s no secret that we all want to look our best, but the problem is that most of us don’t have the coin to keep up with the insane products and skincare regimes often required to turn that frown upside down (get it? Like…anti-aging and…whatever).
We’ve all seen it, our mothers or sisters rummaging through the kitchen drawers like foraging vagabonds, searching furiously for what we assumed would be breakfast, only to see it on their faces.
I mean, I didn’t get it then, but I do now. You do what you can to make things look tight and right and if it means taking what should be breakfast and pasting it all over your face, then go for it.
I’m here to be a Yoda of sorts; I want to lead you in some kind of direction when it comes to edible skincare (that should be a thing). This is the one time where it feels right saying, if it tastes good, it’ll make you look good. Here are just six examples of the many I know of.
This isn’t as nuts (lol, I’m a savage) as you might think. Almond oil has been an age old tried and tested aid in the quest for healthy skin. Almond oil reduces the aging effect of UV light on your skin which helps with preventing damage to your skin and aging. People milk them, shake them, chew them, crush them and now they can apply them daily as a moisturizer.
So what really happened to those cool “Got milk?” ads? Whatever, well i feel like it should come as no surprise that milk is considered a great treat for your skin. Not only does it contain a natural bleaching agent, but it also softens your skin. So along with your morning coffee, why not reduce the effects of scarring, blemishes and smoothen out your complexion while you’re at it?
This is sweet (pun totally intended), you can use sugar as a good exfoliating agent. You get to scrub dead and dirty skin off your face to help look younger and more even toned. How about you add 2 teaspoons of sugar to that coffee before exfoliating? Sounds like a plan to me.
I mean this should go without saying; we all know that honey is a great anti-bacterial, but do you also know that a honey mask is good for reducing the appearance of scars on your skin as well as making sure that it regenerates healthy tissue? Just lay it on your face for a few minutes and wash it off with water, it’s really simple. I have a ton of puns just waiting to be unleashed, but I don’t want to be that guy.
Yes, I said it. I love me some cinnamon flavoured eggnog, but did you know that it can also prevent acne-causing bacteria and if you combine it with honey, it can reduce redness and restore moisture? If you use this as a mask, wash it off with water after about ten minutes on your face. If it’s burning, it’s working. But honestly, if it starts to burn, ABORT! ABORT!
This is real trippy because I never once thought that oatmeal could be used for your face. But it’s pretty popular. Not only is it a decent breakfast meal, but it’s also a great facial mask if you grind it, add honey and egg white and you’ve got yourself skin that feels good and isn’t so damn itchy.
I could go on for hours and tell you about all sorts of recipes and homemade remedies, but the point is that you don’t have to look deep into your wallet to make sure that you have healthy skin. Sometimes the answer is in your kitchen and all you need is a little creativity and Google. Men need good skin too.
What I’m about to do could be seen as incredibly (for lack of a more PC term) bitchy, but I assure you, there’s a science to this and by all social accounts, I’m right.
You need not only look at a man’s shoes to know who he is and what he’s about, you can also look at his car and basically be able to tell who he is as a person, what his ambitions are and (the fun stuff) why…just…why?
So what does your affordable Sportback (or hatch) say about you?
A disclaimer is in order; the accuracy of what’s to follow is purely subjective in nature, however, a great deal can be surmised by the choices we make as people. The clothes we choose to wear, the foods we eat, the music we listen to and the places we haunt all speak to the type of people we are. Also, I mean no disrespect; this is all fun.
In an increasingly materialistic world, the content of on one’s character isn’t as easily seen as the size of their car or the glare from their jewels. So here we go; let the controversial judging begin.
The Mini Cooper S
I’ll be the first to admit, I went through a mini cooper phase, myself. It might have been The Italian Job, or maybe the fact that it was a cute car in a time where cute cars were only just coming into their own. It’s not a relic, nor is it the fresh faced sporty hatch it once was. For me, when I see a mini on the road, I get a little nostalgic. It’s not quite VW Beetle territory on the ironic hipster wheels scale, but it comes pretty close. I see you with your man bun, rolled up jeans, weird porn-stache and crazy beard. You probably ride a unicycle and write poems about French courtesans during the great depression, and you own a very small dog, which you carry with you ironically because you have muscles on your muscles. And, you vape.
The VW Golf
There’s just something about this car. I don’t know about your part of the world, but in South Africa, this car, along with its owners, have quite the reputation. In short, don’t leave your girl unsupervised in the presence of a VW Golf owner. It could be the “VRRRRRR-PA!” or the fact that it packs a punch and looks great while doing it, but this car is so damn popular, and rightfully so. You probably have an ego…and it’s huge (cough cough). Nobody is allowed to eat in your car, sometimes you’d prefer it if nobody even breathes in your car. You think you have the world by the balls and you’re unapologetic about it. You’re confident, you’re more susceptible to being in a drag race and you love the sound of your own exhaust.
The VW Polo
There’s a youthfulness about this car that’s both endearing and exciting. Through the years, I can see how it’s been overshadowed by the Golf, but it’s managed to hold its own. It’s agile looking, it’s quick and yet it’s not as intimidating as the Golf. You’re definitely young, if not young at heart. You’re probably starting out in your career and you want something cool, fresh and young without breaking bank and you want to keep it urban. Your weekends are busy because you’re social. But let’s be a little honest here, you wanted the Golf. Don’t you lie, don’t you lie, you and I both know that if push comes to shove, you would rather have the golf.
The Renault Clio
This was a very sexy comeback that nobody foresaw; the one that had heads turning and wallets quivering. I don’t mean that it breaks bank, but only that the demand was almost immediate. It was as if someone startled a Renault hive because they swarmed the streets in their masses, shiny and new and oh so sexy. You’re undoubtedly an excited young soul who’s ambitious, the perfect balance between professional and party-animal and you’re not ashamed to admit it. You appreciate the finer things in life, the things that break the mould but are still traditional. You hold yourself well, you’re not sloppy, you don’t make a noise just for the attention, your wheels and presence do that for you.
The Audi A3 Sportback
I’m a huge fan of the Audi brand; it’s very much a German car, but it’s not as intimidating as a Mercedes or BMW. It’s the perfect car that teases the high-end, sophisticated look without making you look snobby. It’s a classy car; it’s sleek, it moves well and is so sexy, which means that you’re probably very into yourself (in a good way). You take care of yourself. You take pride in the way you’re presented, in making an impression without being outlandish or overbearing. You’re a quiet storm. You’re definitely the professional type; you enjoy smooth beats over the speakers and you wash your car often. No judgements here.
The KIA Rio
You’re such a millennial you’ve got the conservatives in a tizzy. I can see you now; weaving through traffic because you’ve got more important places to be, ignoring the obnoxious horns (damn them for driving carefully) and listening to whichever pop song’s eating away the charts. You’ve got an energy about you that’s infectious, people can’t help but gravitate towards you and they underestimate just how reliable of a friend you can be. You don’t ask for much (on the off occasion that you do, it’s a handful), and you love life. You’re basically vibrating and you’re never dull.
The Hyundai i20
I’ve recently been surprised by the sophistication and beauty that now seems synonymous with the Hyundai brand. This hatch is no exception. When the new shape was revealed, it did not disappoint. Clean lines, a more subtly aggressive look that made it less docile and a price tag that pleased the ear. You’re a smart, honest, down-to-earth and considerate person who is usually the designated driver. I say usually because this isn’t always the case. You’re not as much of a speed demon as some of your buds are and you are very particular about how you’re represented. That’s why your car’s usually clean and it smells good. You don’t smoke, not in your car at least. Also, you don’t allow your pets in your car. You’re not that guy.
Okay, so maybe this isn’t exactly a science, but you have to admit, there is a kernel of truth within each of these assessments. You may call them assumptions, I call them honest and well-meaning analyses.
Are there more cars to add, sure, is there more to be said, definitely, but I don’t have enough time nor do I have the energy. One thing’s for sure; I’m definitely an Audi A3 kinda guy.
Gone are the days where man caves were a hole in the wall, in a distant corner, where the air smells of testosterone and beer and the walls were as dark the inside of a crack den (not that I have any experience with crack dens).
We live in a time that not only welcomes racial diversity, but is eagerly embracing sexual and gender diversity as well. So it should only make sense that previously established institutions, founded on the archaic standards from an era passed, should just as openly welcome this swiftly changing social landscape.
What am I babbling on about? I’m talking about man caves; what was once an institution (yes, a hard fought for institution) that served as a means for men to gather with their comrades and share with them the spoils of being the apex predator, to have a safe-haven of their own and to hang their feet up, can now be an inclusive forum that does all that, but also delves into topics previously thought of as too feminine or ‘soft’.
The modern man cave isn’t just a space for men to gather, have a cold one and shoot ‘the shit’ with one another; it’s also a space where men are able to feel comfortable in exploring the many shades within their community. To be a man today is to be a caregiver, to be a lover, a protector, a friend, a spokesperson for injustice and inequality, a lover of all things sci-fi, a gentle pacifist, an aggressive lobbyist, a wine connoisseur, a make-up and skincare enthusiast, a petrol head and so much more.
To be a modern man is to understand that masculinity can be fragile and to work towards being men or our word and not only our works. The modern man cave includes a caucus as diverse as the many experiences the modern man is exposed to.
That’s what TribalMushrooms strives to bring to light and navigate.
This is a forum for the colourful expression of the many shades of man this beautifully complicated world has to offer. The many interests, the many allies and social wrongs that men today fight for, with and against.
Be it the cis-gendered man, transgendered, gay, straight, bi-sexual, metrosexual, spornosexual, pan-sexual, non-binary, queer, asexual or many more, this is a voice for all. Come one, come all; the perspective may be from a male’s point of view, but the content can interest and inspire any gender and sexual orientation.