Here I am again, being reckless with the internet…
People I make a point to never trust with my life:
The “bro” guy:
Not a chance in Madonna’s hell will I trust a grown man who says “bro” one too many times in a single sentence. He has f@#% boy written all over him and he’s most likely to ditch you in a strange club you’ve never been to (one he invited you to, mind you) because he’s hooking up with a girl he’ll kick out come sunrise, and brag about his performance when he sees you (without apologising for leaving you stranded at 1 am, in a seedy part of town, where the prostitutes have lazy eyes, a belly and no front teeth – because that’s valuable apparently).
The guy whose eyebrows don’t match his hair:
Do not trust someone who’s reckless enough to do this to themselves because they clearly have an issue with commitment, and more importantly they have a problem with following through on things he sets out to accomplish. Who on earth made it a thing to dye your hair and leave your eyebrows? He clearly has nothing to lose, he wants to be a hipster and he’ll try real hard but he won’t quite get it. He’ll wear clothes that aren’t age appropriate and he’ll think it’s okay. It’s not okay.
The guy who wears oversized Ts and drinks himself under the table at every party:
He’s the life of the party, he’s funny and generally awesome…for the first thirty minutes. After that, he’s just a pain in the ass and he never stops. He’s always on! He’ll scream your nickname (embarrassing nickname even) in broad daylight, in front of your boss, for all the world to hear and he’ll have a stain you won’t quite understand its origin or age, but he’ll lick it before laughing about how it’s probably from some wild party he went to where ‘the girls’ were all over him and the booze was flowing hard. He has no sense of volume, none whatsoever.
The guy who bounces his man-boobs as a party trick:
It stops being cool and starts being weird when that’s the only thing he can offer a gathering. Okay so maybe this is my insecurity speaking and there might not be anything wrong with a guy who can do that, but I mean really…do you really have to, like all the time? Come on.
The guy who says “F@$” as a joke:
Intolerance isn’t funny. There is a community out there that’s had that word used against them as a weapon, to demean, belittle, degrade and dehumanise them. This “no homo” business, and the “that’s gay” quips are tired masks used by boys who’ve little to contribute so they bro-out over homophobic jokes to make themselves relevant. This overcompensation of masculinity hurts those of us who are smart enough and evolved enough to understand that sexual orientation and identity mean nothing; it’s the quality of your character that matters most. Not only would I not trust this man with my life, I wouldn’t even want to be associated with such insolence.
The guy who swears on his momma’s grave:
Whether said momma is dead or alive, something is seriously wrong when a guy has the gall to swear on the grave of his mother to lend validity and legitimacy to his argument. I never really got it; could be that I’m a cynical – passive aggressive -emotionally stunted dude who isn’t bothered if you believe me or not, who knows. But this guy is probably lying through his teeth. You just have to listen hard enough to know just when he’s lying. Here’s a clue: if he says “On my momma’s grave”, he’s lying. If he says “on my momma’s life”, he’s lying. If he says “on my momma, my baby, my sister, and aunt”, run the other direction because he just killed his family because he is lying!
The guy who blames the victim:
The is a special place in a very dark hell for a guy who looks at a woman and his first instinct is to find fault in her actions, where she’s been victimised in some way. I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, how religious of a man you are, what you do for a living and how well you treat the women in your life; if you have the fifth nerve in a bundle of four to place blame on someone who so clearly has been at the receiving end of something tragic, then I couldn’t possibly respect you as a man or place any reliance in your ability to be save my life (I mean that’s an extreme one in a million, very left-field case, but yeah).
The guy who shows his toes in public:
I don’t know what his motives are, but I sure as hell want nothing to do with someone who has the nerve to flash toe and be grown, in public. Of all the frightening things in the world, this comes pretty close to being the most concerning. Cover your toes, sir. Nobody wants to see those.
The guy who thinks Beyonce is overrated:
I don’t play with demons, get him away from me. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.