DUDE! what’s your car?

What I’m about to do could be seen as incredibly (for lack of a more PC term) bitchy, but I assure you, there’s a science to this and by all social accounts, I’m right.

You need not only look at a man’s shoes to know who he is and what he’s about, you can also look at his car and basically be able to tell who he is as a person, what his ambitions are and (the fun stuff) why…just…why?

So what does your affordable Sportback (or hatch) say about you?

A disclaimer is in order; the accuracy of what’s to follow is purely subjective in nature, however, a great deal can be surmised by the choices we make as people. The clothes we choose to wear, the foods we eat, the music we listen to and the places we haunt all speak to the type of people we are. Also, I mean no disrespect; this is all fun.

In an increasingly materialistic world, the content of on one’s character isn’t as easily seen as the size of their car or the glare from their jewels. So here we go; let the controversial judging begin.

The Mini Cooper S


I’ll be the first to admit, I went through a mini cooper phase, myself. It might have been The Italian Job, or maybe the fact that it was a cute car in a time where cute cars were only just coming into their own. It’s not a relic, nor is it the fresh faced sporty hatch it once was. For me, when I see a mini on the road, I get a little nostalgic. It’s not quite VW Beetle territory on the ironic hipster wheels scale, but it comes pretty close. I see you with your man bun, rolled up jeans, weird porn-stache and crazy beard. You probably ride a unicycle and write poems about French courtesans during the great depression, and you own a very small dog, which you carry with you ironically because you have muscles on your muscles. And, you vape.

The VW Golf


There’s just something about this car. I don’t know about your part of the world, but in South Africa, this car, along with its owners, have quite the reputation. In short, don’t leave your girl unsupervised in the presence of a VW Golf owner. It could be the “VRRRRRR-PA!” or the fact that it packs a punch and looks great while doing it, but this car is so damn popular, and rightfully so. You probably have an ego…and it’s huge (cough cough). Nobody is allowed to eat in your car, sometimes you’d prefer it if nobody even breathes in your car. You think you have the world by the balls and you’re unapologetic about it. You’re confident, you’re more susceptible to being in a drag race and you love the sound of your own exhaust.

The VW Polo


There’s a youthfulness about this car that’s both endearing and exciting. Through the years, I can see how it’s been overshadowed by the Golf, but it’s managed to hold its own. It’s agile looking, it’s quick and yet it’s not as intimidating as the Golf. You’re definitely young, if not young at heart. You’re probably starting out in your career and you want something cool, fresh and young without breaking bank and you want to keep it urban. Your weekends are busy because you’re social. But let’s be a little honest here, you wanted the Golf. Don’t you lie, don’t you lie, you and I both know that if push comes to shove, you would rather have the golf.

The Renault Clio


This was a very sexy comeback that nobody foresaw; the one that had heads turning and wallets quivering. I don’t mean that it breaks bank, but only that the demand was almost immediate. It was as if someone startled a Renault hive because they swarmed the streets in their masses, shiny and new and oh so sexy. You’re undoubtedly an excited young soul who’s ambitious, the perfect balance between professional and party-animal and you’re not ashamed to admit it. You appreciate the finer things in life, the things that break the mould but are still traditional. You hold yourself well, you’re not sloppy, you don’t make a noise just for the attention, your wheels and presence do that for you.

The Audi A3 Sportback

Farbe: Eissilber

Farbe: Eissilber

I’m a huge fan of the Audi brand; it’s very much a German car, but it’s not as intimidating as a Mercedes or BMW. It’s the perfect car that teases the high-end, sophisticated look without making you look snobby. It’s a classy car; it’s sleek, it moves well and is so sexy, which means that you’re probably very into yourself (in a good way). You take care of yourself. You take pride in the way you’re presented, in making an impression without being outlandish or overbearing. You’re a quiet storm. You’re definitely the professional type; you enjoy smooth beats over the speakers and you wash your car often. No judgements here.

The KIA Rio


You’re such a millennial you’ve got the conservatives in a tizzy. I can see you now; weaving through traffic because you’ve got more important places to be, ignoring the obnoxious horns (damn them for driving carefully) and listening to whichever pop song’s eating away the charts. You’ve got an energy about you that’s infectious, people can’t help but gravitate towards you and they underestimate just how reliable of a friend you can be. You don’t ask for much (on the off occasion that you do, it’s a handful), and you love life. You’re basically vibrating and you’re never dull.

The Hyundai i20


I’ve recently been surprised by the sophistication and beauty that now seems synonymous with the Hyundai brand. This hatch is no exception. When the new shape was revealed, it did not disappoint. Clean lines, a more subtly aggressive look that made it less docile and a price tag that pleased the ear. You’re a smart, honest, down-to-earth and considerate person who is usually the designated driver. I say usually because this isn’t always the case. You’re not as much of a speed demon as some of your buds are and you are very particular about how you’re represented. That’s why your car’s usually clean and it smells good. You don’t smoke, not in your car at least. Also, you don’t allow your pets in your car. You’re not that guy.

Okay, so maybe this isn’t exactly a science, but you have to admit, there is a kernel of truth within each of these assessments. You may call them assumptions, I call them honest and well-meaning analyses.

Are there more cars to add, sure, is there more to be said, definitely, but I don’t have enough time nor do I have the energy. One thing’s for sure; I’m definitely an Audi A3 kinda guy.

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